Careful! Take a moment before reposting BS

Today, I fed my feelings, reposted something that later proved to be misinformation.

My bias is strong some days. 

I do practice mindfulness, I do try to think before I react, I do try to do a modicum of research before reposting bad info. 

But man, IF that bad info speaks to my bias, then, sometimes, I fail. I share or repost, wrong information. Luckily, friends sometimes care enough to reach out and redirect me!

Take ownership of the mistake, and make corrections, the greatest way to make amends.

this happens a lot in my life: fall for the emo-trap. I let my first reaction take charge.

its a real balancing act: trusting my gut, connecting with my soul, while being human, in the now.

seems to me, less about a moment, a class, an awakening, and more about persistence, of one foot in front of the next foot, one day at a time.

Spiritual Awakenings have been for me, momentary, fleeting, fragile. They require persistence, to re attain, to re experience. So I work for the next. the goal being, more frequent, longer lasting, awakened moments.

first post in a  while, I'll keep it short. Namaste

a Home? a HOME!

5/14/16 - after a year of mulling over the idea,  "we should buy a house", but not being too aggressive about it, we had seen an ad for a community that offered $99 down payments, so we went to look.

a year prior-ish, after a co-worker had bought a giant house in Trinity, we realised, ya, what a waste. we have been renting this house for 11 years now, paying someone else's mortgage. personally, I had been brought up in apartments, and being an only son, etc.. "owning" had never been a priority for me. then add to that the deep appetite I have for alternative news, economics my favorite, I've been fairly convinced the bottom is ready to fall out again at any time. lastly, despite having finally achieved an adult credit score and having a good income, the down payment was the real obstacle. I make too much to qualify for any of the incentives. so a $99 down Ad was attractive.

we made the trip to palmetto and looked. highland homes. nice enough, but not that nice. on the edge of a tract of government housing. and mostly built out, only one home left. not really our liking, besides, I made too much to qualify for their $99 deal.

but that started the ideas flowing. stopped at the KB Homes new development on Seminole blvd, where the old orange blossom groves once stood for decades. the old florida industry, seemingly fading in a globalization trend, of citrus groves, gift baskets, cheap juice, and cheap shipping. I thought I recalled the original sign saying from the $150's (K). hadn't been that impressed watching them build there.. block 1st floor, wood and stucco 2nd. all the same. california close to each other, a time of indoors and no barbecues, I guess. cell phones and internet, game consoles. indoor life. who needs a yard, or even wants one? the more completed rows in the back of the property, off the main blvd, actually nice looking. reminds me of a row of brownstones, but 10 feet apart. venice beach. anyway... mid $300k's! no.

we returned home, but with interest. DeLina was checking her mailed links and homes. the journey to palmetto opened a new vector.. south of the skyway could be alright. I work in downtown st pete, right off the highway... we hadn't considered that direction, but, maybe we should. so wide open that way, still. old florida. ccows and pastures. flatness.

DeLina had signed up for emails from a builder in tampa, actually all over, Lennar homes. they have a few nice properties under development in Ruskin, due east for us, on the other side of the bay. we decided to go look.

5/15/16 found our way there, "Hawk's Point", a gated community, all new, still building out, by Lennar, the "everything's included" homes. found the models and office. The agent, Terenia Recupero,  was with a customer, there are 2 models immediately adjacent, have a look. the first model, the "Raleigh", was too big, so we went to the next, the "Delaware". OMG. Gorgeous! 2 story, walk into a nice large foyer, staircase, and wide hall to the giant first floor.. big kitchen, angled, granite bar, breakfast nook, dining room connected to the living room. very large. upstairs, 3 bedrooms, the master suite very large, master bath with garden tub adjacent to a large tiles shower. we both felt immediately, like this was home. the place is comfy. 1810 sq. ft. not too big, but big, worthy of the success  we had built for ourselves, being 45-54.

Terenia the agent came in and we talked, we told of our thoughts, our circumstances, our hoping to be first time home buyers. good credit, good income, no down payment, etc. she showed us around, pointing out the features etc. we walked through the "raleigh" too, for good measure, loved / hated the extra size, 5 bedrooms.. way more than the 2 of us, plus one chubby chihuahua needed though.

she made a call and I spoke to a loan officer with Lennar's preferred lender UAMC, spoke to Jamie Andis, gave the relevant info. wow. qualified.. for the whole nine yards. heck, I could get into their biggest homes if we wanted to. but after a second or two of ego on that idea.. why would we? 2 adults and a chubby chihuahua dont need that much, even if my ego wanted it. extra bedrooms would be a waste. I talked about down payment, the obstacle. again , I make too much for any of the standard support in that area. but she mentioned I should look into my 401k, should be able to get a loan against that.

Terenia took us all over, showed us the various styles. 1 story, 2 story, etc. great homes. but ya know what, we really just loved the "Delaware". the very first one we wandered into. it was getting late, Terenia gave us a bunch of brochures, etc. and we went home. we were excited.

Monday 5/16/16 got to work and went to the fed 401k site. what do you know! I CAN get a loan against it, interest is 1.75%, and it's actually paid to ME. no brainer! we called Terenia. It's on like Donkey Kong! we were pretty sure we wanted that "Delaware" but let's dbl check. that night, I missed my home group and we went and met Tee. we looked at what "Delaware's" would be coming available and when, and chose. It backs up to a retention pond. it's "elevation B" ( different garage roof, river stones partially up the pillar in the front. - a nice difference ) due to be completed late June 16. would have a eta closing date of 6/30/16. we walked inside, there were hispanic workers on stilts, slapping "mud" on the drywall seams. the home also has the "Legacy" package.. their single available option - granite counters, garden tub, stainless appliances, better baseboards, tech shield - a thermal roof internal reflective lining ( added insulation and thermal efficiency ) and blown in R30, upgraded fixtures, garage door opener, etc. back to the office, wrote a $1000 check, signed 60 pages of contract.

the next day told Jamie from UAMC the deposit was in, and our intention to move forward with the Mortgage app. she sent the document checklist. we gathered it all buy that evening, and wednesday, the next day, 5/18, I drove to the UAMC office and delivered the packet of requested financials. I submitted the request for the 401k loan, but sent in the wrong supporting document. a cash to close summary, but they need the signed contract. initial denial, but never fear, the contract was with corporate Lennar, and we would soon have a copy, which I could submit for the loan.

Friday evening, 5/20/16, we received a link to a document repository for UAMC, some new loan disclosures etc, requiring signature. DeLina and I worked through the docs, applying digital signatures ( I love tech like that ) but a few required printing and wet signatures applied.

saturday, 5/21, we picked up Jessica and her boyfriend, chris and maynard our loving grandson, and brought them down to see the house! they saw the completed model for the full effect. blown away! like us!

also, 5/21/16, we received he signed contract back from Lennar Corporate. w00t. we went to Rooms to go, considering furniture. I like brighter stuff. home interiors greys carpet, black granite, espresso cabinets. I floated the idea of maybe a red pit group, or sofa, contrast the greys. calypso! brights? maybe

5/22/16 spent the day at home, dreaming, reading about water softeners and treatments, air purifiers, whole house surge protectors.

Monday, 5/23, printed and faxed the 60 page contract with the 401k loan docs again. standard day, joy is here, but doing my best to let it go, no expectations. expectations are foreplay for misery!

Tuesday 5/24/16.. called the 401 k to check if in order. yes, yes it is! should have the down payment money within a few weeks! w00t!

all in a week. boom. largely completed. out of the sky, on our lap. something DeLina and I are pretty clear about at this point in our lives: dont push on strings. but when the universe sees fit to make a choice clear, walk confidently through the doors presented.

we bought a home, lovers. congratulations!

Cocoon's Consequence

I recently heard about a Slam Poetry event. I've watched a few you tubes over the years, of such. Kind of interesting, interested.

but never lifted a keystroke in consideration. yet, this time, I felt drawn, intuition calling. So, yesterday, I watched a few more video's, rattled through my mind; what to write about. I know sources are best, when drawn from experience. of the Slam Poets i watched, I reacted most strongly to the dark stuff. I have more than a fair share of prior darkness to draw upon, and once I began it flowed. wrote some yesterday, finished it today.

I am interested in your feedback. Wonder if it's long enough, for the roughly 3 Min's a slam poetry performance is modeled to. Of course, it feels different, reactions may change, text versus performed.

A Cocoon's Consequence
Donald Turner

lovingly nurtured, cocoon well constructed, my darkness, drove me on

in bed late at night, thoughts beating incessant fright, I tightly wrapped up, in my mind

noise never ending, reality... bending, clamor descending, I punched

action, required, plans are desired, I felt, as the tunnel collapsed, crunched

abrupt end before me, I just can't ignore ME, release, no more...me, I constructed demise

bought a jug of cheap wine, safe passage through time... and rope strong enough, I did carry

scratchy bark I ascended, finality, upended, I scaled the right limb

crawling and mauling, trawling, depths' pain so enthralling, I closed in on the rim

time to think, time's such a sink, an obstacle, a bobble, no regard

the noose that I fashioned, my life; someone's caption, a picture, a child, contraption

I mumble some disgust, then pray void of lust, desperate plea, resigned to the act, self discard

with a gulp I complete, cheap wine, at my feet, the ground 20 or so down below me

secure the said noose.. prepare to, let loose, one last glance at the sky

that dark matter cloak, the cocoon I had born, tightened, self, I cry

I leap, falling free through space, through time, through all I despised

my life's fashioned mire, my self's cruel desire, walled off and alone

to practice dark arts, construction of parts, serve me, so I thought,  ...but no one else

alone, I must conquer, a trap of desire, a prison, self inflicted

but freedom, I crave, none but a slave, would demand unrestricted, illusions depicted

with a bounce, it felt tight, that noose, was it right? the rope, it gave way

I plunged to the ground, unconscious of mine, my choice, my control, my cocoon

a shattered demise, a life full of lies, Alice... to the moon

passed out on the ground, delusion I found, awakened to vomit around

I shuddered, I paused, I came to, ....just how much destruction will do?

the dark matter, it fell, my survival, my instinct...  did swell, 

on my feet I arose, my pain, to disclose, my actions, absurd, must be unmasked

a few coins, did I find, in my pockets, a small jingle, I reached to out my mother, I Live

within hours on plane, that flight from disdain, relief, all a tingle, 

a new choice I will make... I Live

truth.. aint it a bitch

damn it.. seemingly born with a heart of a investigative journalist, a seeker..
unquenchable thirst. insatiable hunger.. for more information.

so life's been a journey of questing information, truth, and coping, with frequent dead ends, unanswerable questions, misinformation, lies, propaganda.

fragments. fyi.. I think in fragments.. phrases.. going to practice capturing those. not having to wordsmith everything. elaborate. Ill come back and elaborate that which strikes my fancy. but today I want to fish.. in my brain.. for stuff... get it out while I can. document.

emotions. I cried today.. it was good thing.. I don't cry enough. I get blocked, stuck, bottled up. pent up. life is hard today, different, not hard like scratching an existence out of the dirt, hunting for my next meal.. but hard because I'm force fed lies 24/7... lies about government, lies about products, lies from co workers. hards because the world I live in..the community I share with others.. people.. civility.. breaking down. a century of materialism and consumerism.. has created a nation of self absorbed zombies.. umbilical cords tied to smart phones, and an incessant need for acknowledgement, for satisfaction of needs they can't identify or satisfy.

so I bounce like a pinball, off endless bumpers, obstacles... and try to satisfy my own unidentified needs and desires. avoid the zombies when possible. break off a piece of serenity. quietly.

calm. peace. quiet. let go...

less theme, more steam

understood the value... need.. to capture more. record. experience.

think I'll undertake a project, to write regularly, capture it here. who needs physical matter.. I have this digital canvas to write to.

I think I.

will just write.. let my thoughts flow, see what comes of it. avoid inspiration until it comes for topics and messages. thinkers think, but it amounts to nil, if not stored somehow. maybe the universe stores, maybe it doesn't.

strange energies.. in my head, in the world, all around me, inside me. opportunity. chaos. love. shiva and krishna warming up I feel.

I watched Montage of heck last night. what a malestrom. hype, sensitivity, creativity, sound, visual. Inspired me to come back to this, with my thoughts and ideas, desire.

detach with love from desire, it usually sources only pain, but worthy impetus too.

leaf in a stream, handle less, crush any boxes created. I search and destroy thought boxes and grips for maintenance of old systems of imagined control, tethers to familiar, but uncomfortable, states, paradigms, schemes. Less filter, more release, for discovery's need, I shall consider, observe, provoke.

namaste

A Salute to a fallen Scout.. and other thoughts on loneliness...

Yep, my soul knows the truth. I am pretty clear on that! (mostly)

There are times though, my ego will do it's best, to overcome that knowing. To bamboozle my intuition, to overcome my spirit's guidance (most often experienced as part emotion, part inner voice) my ego will highlight something fear based, and kick in it's familiar, finely tuned ability, to obsess.

Yesterday, I was told of the passing of a self described "Scout" (a term derived from an indigenous north american peoples narrative). I was deeply saddened, rocked a bit, despite never having known the man, a brother just the same.

Allegedly, Michael C Ruppert ended his life on Sunday 4/13/14

If there is a "next" place, or consciousness, or plane, I hope to meet you there, one day, man. Thank you for all you did. Love you brother.

I wont pretend to biograph him, or the things he did that attracted me to his work, his personality, his life. Im sure there are those that will. I don't find it relevant at this moment. I was and am, very grateful though, for the work of an investigative journalist group, a HBO show (amongst other venues) VICE. VICE had only just a few months ago, done what I find to be a wonderful piece, that fairly well captured Mike's story, his spirit, his peace. I'll link it here, and highly encourage watching it through, all 6 parts.

www.vice.com/vice-special/apocalypse-man-part-1

(note the "1" at the end: if that link doesn't include links on the right of the page to the remaining 5 parts, just click into the URL and change the last digit to the next segment)

In the final segment, Mike spoke about something within him, something I certainly identify with. He was a "scout" in that he was a ferocious speaker of truth to power, an unafraid observer, with an appetite for reality, a brilliant investigative journalist. "Crossing The Rubicon" was one of his books.. that is highly prescient today, still. In all honesty though, I have yet to read it. I will. The point of all that, of all this; his vulnerable statement about the loneliness of being that guy. A "conspiracy theorist" is the most common shaming term in today's vernacular. So much effort has been put into developing a pavlovian response from the community with just a simple shaming term label.

The tragedy and comedy of that, is the plainness of all important events in the course of humankind, are the product of conspiracy. Thats a topic for another rant, though.

I linked a posting or two down, a recovery talk I recently gave at a 12 step meeting. One of the takeaways from VICE's show and Mike's words, is the impact and persistence of the thread of Loneliness.

My life, my obsessive mind mentioned above, has clung desperately to that destructive thought / feeling combination for as long as I can remember. Its a goto default, almost seemingly hard wired! Despite an extroverted personality, despite a (well.. self described anyway) almost theatrically jovial outward nature, deep within the recesses, an old idea lurks..  I am alone. Unique. Outside.

I am a believer and often speak about this idea: Feelings aren't Facts. It has been a solid bedrock for my changes, my recovery, its a strong tool to battle back ego. Feelings are usually often influenced by environmental stuff I am most often unaware of.. how well am I sleeping? Diet? manufactured stress levels (due to putting of stuff, procrastinating, avoiding)

Just the same, feelings are important, feelings can be important communications from source. I have applied a lot of work at learning to identify true feelings, to open up and talk about them, to expose them. Ive heard the 12 step process defined as a tool to go from a place of sensitivity to the those feelings (which often forged inappropriate choices, decisions, actions) to a sensibility regarding the feelings. A more logical and reasonable decision process created with sensibility.Which is not to say, to disregard the feelings! No! Merely, hold them right sized in the framework of my decision tree.

So, this talk of the loneliness, Mike's words touched me. I can trivialize myself, the feeling, by writing it off to self induced, manufactured, by the passions I chase, but that really doesn't do justice to my experience.

It is real, the loneliness that may seize me whilst in a crowd of loved ones, might slap me while being acknowledged for a task, an action. Out of left field, that's where the loneliness lives, and attacks from. I've lived with it intermittently my entire life; at times, succubmed to it's deceit. Suicide attempted, multiple times.

Today, I will look into lonlinesses' eyes when it tries to sneak into my thought train, when it seeks to overcome my emotions. I will see it, I will call it by its proper name, and I will expose it (not as a victim of it, its not that, it's more like I'm a target of its deranged grasp). I understand lonelinesses weakness; inclusion, exposure, love. for maybe, loneliness is yet just another manifestation of fear, the opposing force, of Love.

So long Mike. Sincerely, thank you again for taking a stand for us all, for enduring pain but standing steady as a Scout (well, for as long as you apparently could). You made a difference.

And.. you old malcontent Loneliness.. I'm watching for you.. and I shall call you out.. whenever you come to do your tricks...

Conflict is natural.. reasonable resolution the challenge

Like many I imagine, I watched from a far, this past weekends events in NV around the Bundy ranch, their fight with the BLM ( Fed agency ) and the growth and then dissipation, of turmoil, conflict.

Understanding there was, most likely, so much I wasn't being told, so much more information behind the scenes, I made every effort to withhold judgement, avoid being drawn in, taking a stand.

A FB friend of mine, I'll call X, posted this, with the link I'll provide as well, to Glenn Beck's segment on it. Normally, I wouldn't share the link from Mr B, for as you'll see from my responses to X's post, however, the content is good, and surprisingly, although I may not agree with GB's source for his position, I do agree with the underlying point. Peaceful resolution is the best. I captured the text of the back and forth here:

First, X's language accompanying his link:

"For the past couple of years I have purposely avoided posting articles that are political in nature because I would rather focus on what we have in common rather than what we disagree on, I see the Kingdom of God as vastly more important than political opinions. Why then am I posting a Glenn Beck video you may ask, this is NOT a political post, I believe that in this message he is displaying the answer from Heaven regarding our current political climate. Yes I know that Glenn Beck and I have vastly different theological views as well. Like him, love him, hate him, agree, disagree... it dose not matter, please watch this, I really believe that this is Heaven's perspective on politics and the news of today."

the GB Link: http://www.video.theblaze.com/media/video.jsp?content_id=32078049

I watched it, despite my apprehension, and again, regardless of his religious point, I had to agree with GB's position: Peaceful resolution must be our goal.  Here are my posts in response to X: (with some edits to clean up punctuation, etc)

Thank you X, for your call on this. My natural response is to ignore, as I generally find mr beck distasteful, misleading, incendiary. But because you asked politely with passion, I listened anyway. Ill be clear: I am deeply agnostic. I am not inclined to be persuaded or affected by religion, scripture, etc. I doubt the existence of god, at least the god that has been so aggressively sold to me across my life. and yet, I am sober, i pray everyday, for many reasons, but most simply, because I am 20 years sober now, and believe my prayers have been a important part of that. 

As you know from being my friend, I post a great many things, in the general spirit of challenging authority, demanding accountability of government, etc. Many try to trivialize me by calling a conspiracy theorist. so be it. it is naive to imagine a world without conspiracy, as people will and do, act in their own self interests. I prefer the term realist, as I find these truths, to be self evident. Man is just not that evolved. Most conflicts are solved with violence only. On rare occasions, a few real leaders, have been able to summon a peaceful resolution. Dr. King, Ghandi, etc.

I admire Mr Beck's call to peace here. For me, not because of his scriptural references, although I celebrate within him, that which serves him best.. (I am not against people's right to believe and follow what works for them. I'm not here to mock anyone with my professions ) So, although I am not yet convinced that humans are evolved enough to see that there is a better way, I do still have hope, I have a goal, love. If god for me, is merely good orderly direction, that is enough, to step back from emotion, reaction, violence, and choose reason and love as the solution. 

Turns out, some very good simple research has brought light to the corruption behind this escalation.. corrupt players ie fed and local gov have selfish intents for the land. 

http://youtu.be/HFiosLqjoQQ

 In the end, god, whatever that means to whoever, for me is about love. forgiveness. consideration and reconsideration, prayerful thoughtful application. Mr Beck is correct, in that any flashpoint such as this event, generally has hidden players, attempting to create something that serves their agenda. In this case, violent escalation serves many with selfish, dark intent. Thank you! sorry for the long post, and again, I only seek to be honest and share, without judgement, I do not want to offend. thank you.

And I acknowledge X for his thoughtful and tolerant response:

Donald Turner thank you for sharing from your heart, I really appreciate that. I think you have 
discovered something profound about the character and nature of God, even if you do not yet fully comprehend it; it is the very thing that I agree the most with most atheists. That is that the wicked Zeus like judgmental, obey me or burn forever god that most of religion portrays is a phony. The true nature if God is love... That is a real good place to start

Very refreshing! I was sincere and honest, and he responded in kind.

So, here I am. Reconsidering. I had become fairly convinced as of late that mankind and womankind, are just not that evolved, just not capable of a reasonable response to difficult circumstances. I decided the world needs more "punch in the face" accountability. That there are too many lawyers, too many options to avoid accountability, to sue, to hide behind legal definitions of "is". Grrrr

Honestly, I believe in the power of love. Although I don't believe in a god as religions sell it, I believe in Love. I believe in good orderly direction. While we as a species may as of yet be less inclined to follow the underpinnings of love, I do still aspire to it.

So with the Bundy situation, there appears to be hidden motives, selfish interests at play, I don't believe violent provocation will serve us. I believe we can develop and apply, accountability, without regressing back to our most organic response. While I still cling to the idea, that we need more immediate accountability, sometimes a punch in the face, on larger issues, I believe we can overcome, that we can call out change, without resorting to animals.

It is my desire that I must drive home, constantly, continually, reasonable resolutions. Hold those that would have us kill, accountable for their ignorance, their bloodlust, and stay the course for calm, reasonable, solutions. There are so many  "issues" in today's world, many that drive folks to the breaking point. But coming together, to live in communities, in societies, I also must know, I surrender some of the privacies, some of the ability to demand outcomes without compromise. Compromise is the spirit of intention, of community, of society. I must stand on principle when agitated to more baser response. Any voice that attempts to destroy compromise is a call back to the caves, to the plains tribes, fight or die. I can evolve past this state. But I must practice at it, I must look within, I must see myself honestly, and be prepared to calmly challenge those that destroy us.

Expectations are foreplay for Misery

Yep. I create all kinds of pain for myself, on a regular basis. Not "the man", not a puppeteer like god, not anyone or anything. No siree, its my pain, and I'm the creator.

it generally goes like this: I make a small effort to reach out to someone, a email, a voicemail left on unanswered phone calls, etc. Then wait with an expectation of a response. and wait. and wait. grumble.

I lead someone to something that has been profound for me, I share an essay, I write blog posts, I amusingly resort to begging folks to watch this, read that, etc.

Crickets.

In hindsight, maybe misery is too strong a word. I'm not miserable, but, often disappointed.

"Detach with love". Al Anon uses that. Powerful stuff right there. Im responsible for making the effort, for paying attention and doing the right thing, but I just need to let go of outcomes. Certainly a lifelong challenge, a task much more difficult than it seems. Allowing the universe to spin as it will, finding the fear that motivates my desire to control stuff.. I've never ever had the ability to control.

We will love you enough to let you you die. Step over the bodies. Life and the journey of living it, a day at a time, is littered with friends and acquaintances, that have fallen off, down, over. Folks that had equal access, opportunity, just not the missing piece... Desire. So Be It.

One of the reasons in retrospect for my divorce from the woman I love with all my heart 5 or 6 years ago.. was the misery I created for myself... by harbouring expectations. The cap on the toothpaste, the dishes in the sink, the "I give you my all, I only just ask you to allow me to remain indifferent and self absorbed, to play my useless time sink mmos forever, and ignore you.. jeesh!"

When I expect stuff, it usually involves a lot of inferred, but not actually exercised communication, too. Im an expert at that! I had that conversation with you ( in my mind, not actually spoke any words ).. and you agreed! LOL. or not.

What do I want? Practicing expressing what it is that I want. Seems most of the folks crystal balls don't actually work as well as I expected them too!

Today, I will let go of expectations. I will strive to remind myself often, that the dervishes whirl without my input, my crude attempts at control. I will create serenity for myself by detaching with love from outcomes that were never mine to manage. I will allow people places and things to be exactly as they choose to be, and if necessary, maintain boundaries that support my personal happiness and peace of mind.

Namaste