A Salute to a fallen Scout.. and other thoughts on loneliness...

Yep, my soul knows the truth. I am pretty clear on that! (mostly)

There are times though, my ego will do it's best, to overcome that knowing. To bamboozle my intuition, to overcome my spirit's guidance (most often experienced as part emotion, part inner voice) my ego will highlight something fear based, and kick in it's familiar, finely tuned ability, to obsess.

Yesterday, I was told of the passing of a self described "Scout" (a term derived from an indigenous north american peoples narrative). I was deeply saddened, rocked a bit, despite never having known the man, a brother just the same.

Allegedly, Michael C Ruppert ended his life on Sunday 4/13/14

If there is a "next" place, or consciousness, or plane, I hope to meet you there, one day, man. Thank you for all you did. Love you brother.

I wont pretend to biograph him, or the things he did that attracted me to his work, his personality, his life. Im sure there are those that will. I don't find it relevant at this moment. I was and am, very grateful though, for the work of an investigative journalist group, a HBO show (amongst other venues) VICE. VICE had only just a few months ago, done what I find to be a wonderful piece, that fairly well captured Mike's story, his spirit, his peace. I'll link it here, and highly encourage watching it through, all 6 parts.

www.vice.com/vice-special/apocalypse-man-part-1

(note the "1" at the end: if that link doesn't include links on the right of the page to the remaining 5 parts, just click into the URL and change the last digit to the next segment)

In the final segment, Mike spoke about something within him, something I certainly identify with. He was a "scout" in that he was a ferocious speaker of truth to power, an unafraid observer, with an appetite for reality, a brilliant investigative journalist. "Crossing The Rubicon" was one of his books.. that is highly prescient today, still. In all honesty though, I have yet to read it. I will. The point of all that, of all this; his vulnerable statement about the loneliness of being that guy. A "conspiracy theorist" is the most common shaming term in today's vernacular. So much effort has been put into developing a pavlovian response from the community with just a simple shaming term label.

The tragedy and comedy of that, is the plainness of all important events in the course of humankind, are the product of conspiracy. Thats a topic for another rant, though.

I linked a posting or two down, a recovery talk I recently gave at a 12 step meeting. One of the takeaways from VICE's show and Mike's words, is the impact and persistence of the thread of Loneliness.

My life, my obsessive mind mentioned above, has clung desperately to that destructive thought / feeling combination for as long as I can remember. Its a goto default, almost seemingly hard wired! Despite an extroverted personality, despite a (well.. self described anyway) almost theatrically jovial outward nature, deep within the recesses, an old idea lurks..  I am alone. Unique. Outside.

I am a believer and often speak about this idea: Feelings aren't Facts. It has been a solid bedrock for my changes, my recovery, its a strong tool to battle back ego. Feelings are usually often influenced by environmental stuff I am most often unaware of.. how well am I sleeping? Diet? manufactured stress levels (due to putting of stuff, procrastinating, avoiding)

Just the same, feelings are important, feelings can be important communications from source. I have applied a lot of work at learning to identify true feelings, to open up and talk about them, to expose them. Ive heard the 12 step process defined as a tool to go from a place of sensitivity to the those feelings (which often forged inappropriate choices, decisions, actions) to a sensibility regarding the feelings. A more logical and reasonable decision process created with sensibility.Which is not to say, to disregard the feelings! No! Merely, hold them right sized in the framework of my decision tree.

So, this talk of the loneliness, Mike's words touched me. I can trivialize myself, the feeling, by writing it off to self induced, manufactured, by the passions I chase, but that really doesn't do justice to my experience.

It is real, the loneliness that may seize me whilst in a crowd of loved ones, might slap me while being acknowledged for a task, an action. Out of left field, that's where the loneliness lives, and attacks from. I've lived with it intermittently my entire life; at times, succubmed to it's deceit. Suicide attempted, multiple times.

Today, I will look into lonlinesses' eyes when it tries to sneak into my thought train, when it seeks to overcome my emotions. I will see it, I will call it by its proper name, and I will expose it (not as a victim of it, its not that, it's more like I'm a target of its deranged grasp). I understand lonelinesses weakness; inclusion, exposure, love. for maybe, loneliness is yet just another manifestation of fear, the opposing force, of Love.

So long Mike. Sincerely, thank you again for taking a stand for us all, for enduring pain but standing steady as a Scout (well, for as long as you apparently could). You made a difference.

And.. you old malcontent Loneliness.. I'm watching for you.. and I shall call you out.. whenever you come to do your tricks...