A Salute to a fallen Scout.. and other thoughts on loneliness...

Yep, my soul knows the truth. I am pretty clear on that! (mostly)

There are times though, my ego will do it's best, to overcome that knowing. To bamboozle my intuition, to overcome my spirit's guidance (most often experienced as part emotion, part inner voice) my ego will highlight something fear based, and kick in it's familiar, finely tuned ability, to obsess.

Yesterday, I was told of the passing of a self described "Scout" (a term derived from an indigenous north american peoples narrative). I was deeply saddened, rocked a bit, despite never having known the man, a brother just the same.

Allegedly, Michael C Ruppert ended his life on Sunday 4/13/14

If there is a "next" place, or consciousness, or plane, I hope to meet you there, one day, man. Thank you for all you did. Love you brother.

I wont pretend to biograph him, or the things he did that attracted me to his work, his personality, his life. Im sure there are those that will. I don't find it relevant at this moment. I was and am, very grateful though, for the work of an investigative journalist group, a HBO show (amongst other venues) VICE. VICE had only just a few months ago, done what I find to be a wonderful piece, that fairly well captured Mike's story, his spirit, his peace. I'll link it here, and highly encourage watching it through, all 6 parts.

www.vice.com/vice-special/apocalypse-man-part-1

(note the "1" at the end: if that link doesn't include links on the right of the page to the remaining 5 parts, just click into the URL and change the last digit to the next segment)

In the final segment, Mike spoke about something within him, something I certainly identify with. He was a "scout" in that he was a ferocious speaker of truth to power, an unafraid observer, with an appetite for reality, a brilliant investigative journalist. "Crossing The Rubicon" was one of his books.. that is highly prescient today, still. In all honesty though, I have yet to read it. I will. The point of all that, of all this; his vulnerable statement about the loneliness of being that guy. A "conspiracy theorist" is the most common shaming term in today's vernacular. So much effort has been put into developing a pavlovian response from the community with just a simple shaming term label.

The tragedy and comedy of that, is the plainness of all important events in the course of humankind, are the product of conspiracy. Thats a topic for another rant, though.

I linked a posting or two down, a recovery talk I recently gave at a 12 step meeting. One of the takeaways from VICE's show and Mike's words, is the impact and persistence of the thread of Loneliness.

My life, my obsessive mind mentioned above, has clung desperately to that destructive thought / feeling combination for as long as I can remember. Its a goto default, almost seemingly hard wired! Despite an extroverted personality, despite a (well.. self described anyway) almost theatrically jovial outward nature, deep within the recesses, an old idea lurks..  I am alone. Unique. Outside.

I am a believer and often speak about this idea: Feelings aren't Facts. It has been a solid bedrock for my changes, my recovery, its a strong tool to battle back ego. Feelings are usually often influenced by environmental stuff I am most often unaware of.. how well am I sleeping? Diet? manufactured stress levels (due to putting of stuff, procrastinating, avoiding)

Just the same, feelings are important, feelings can be important communications from source. I have applied a lot of work at learning to identify true feelings, to open up and talk about them, to expose them. Ive heard the 12 step process defined as a tool to go from a place of sensitivity to the those feelings (which often forged inappropriate choices, decisions, actions) to a sensibility regarding the feelings. A more logical and reasonable decision process created with sensibility.Which is not to say, to disregard the feelings! No! Merely, hold them right sized in the framework of my decision tree.

So, this talk of the loneliness, Mike's words touched me. I can trivialize myself, the feeling, by writing it off to self induced, manufactured, by the passions I chase, but that really doesn't do justice to my experience.

It is real, the loneliness that may seize me whilst in a crowd of loved ones, might slap me while being acknowledged for a task, an action. Out of left field, that's where the loneliness lives, and attacks from. I've lived with it intermittently my entire life; at times, succubmed to it's deceit. Suicide attempted, multiple times.

Today, I will look into lonlinesses' eyes when it tries to sneak into my thought train, when it seeks to overcome my emotions. I will see it, I will call it by its proper name, and I will expose it (not as a victim of it, its not that, it's more like I'm a target of its deranged grasp). I understand lonelinesses weakness; inclusion, exposure, love. for maybe, loneliness is yet just another manifestation of fear, the opposing force, of Love.

So long Mike. Sincerely, thank you again for taking a stand for us all, for enduring pain but standing steady as a Scout (well, for as long as you apparently could). You made a difference.

And.. you old malcontent Loneliness.. I'm watching for you.. and I shall call you out.. whenever you come to do your tricks...

Conflict is natural.. reasonable resolution the challenge

Like many I imagine, I watched from a far, this past weekends events in NV around the Bundy ranch, their fight with the BLM ( Fed agency ) and the growth and then dissipation, of turmoil, conflict.

Understanding there was, most likely, so much I wasn't being told, so much more information behind the scenes, I made every effort to withhold judgement, avoid being drawn in, taking a stand.

A FB friend of mine, I'll call X, posted this, with the link I'll provide as well, to Glenn Beck's segment on it. Normally, I wouldn't share the link from Mr B, for as you'll see from my responses to X's post, however, the content is good, and surprisingly, although I may not agree with GB's source for his position, I do agree with the underlying point. Peaceful resolution is the best. I captured the text of the back and forth here:

First, X's language accompanying his link:

"For the past couple of years I have purposely avoided posting articles that are political in nature because I would rather focus on what we have in common rather than what we disagree on, I see the Kingdom of God as vastly more important than political opinions. Why then am I posting a Glenn Beck video you may ask, this is NOT a political post, I believe that in this message he is displaying the answer from Heaven regarding our current political climate. Yes I know that Glenn Beck and I have vastly different theological views as well. Like him, love him, hate him, agree, disagree... it dose not matter, please watch this, I really believe that this is Heaven's perspective on politics and the news of today."

the GB Link: http://www.video.theblaze.com/media/video.jsp?content_id=32078049

I watched it, despite my apprehension, and again, regardless of his religious point, I had to agree with GB's position: Peaceful resolution must be our goal.  Here are my posts in response to X: (with some edits to clean up punctuation, etc)

Thank you X, for your call on this. My natural response is to ignore, as I generally find mr beck distasteful, misleading, incendiary. But because you asked politely with passion, I listened anyway. Ill be clear: I am deeply agnostic. I am not inclined to be persuaded or affected by religion, scripture, etc. I doubt the existence of god, at least the god that has been so aggressively sold to me across my life. and yet, I am sober, i pray everyday, for many reasons, but most simply, because I am 20 years sober now, and believe my prayers have been a important part of that. 

As you know from being my friend, I post a great many things, in the general spirit of challenging authority, demanding accountability of government, etc. Many try to trivialize me by calling a conspiracy theorist. so be it. it is naive to imagine a world without conspiracy, as people will and do, act in their own self interests. I prefer the term realist, as I find these truths, to be self evident. Man is just not that evolved. Most conflicts are solved with violence only. On rare occasions, a few real leaders, have been able to summon a peaceful resolution. Dr. King, Ghandi, etc.

I admire Mr Beck's call to peace here. For me, not because of his scriptural references, although I celebrate within him, that which serves him best.. (I am not against people's right to believe and follow what works for them. I'm not here to mock anyone with my professions ) So, although I am not yet convinced that humans are evolved enough to see that there is a better way, I do still have hope, I have a goal, love. If god for me, is merely good orderly direction, that is enough, to step back from emotion, reaction, violence, and choose reason and love as the solution. 

Turns out, some very good simple research has brought light to the corruption behind this escalation.. corrupt players ie fed and local gov have selfish intents for the land. 

http://youtu.be/HFiosLqjoQQ

 In the end, god, whatever that means to whoever, for me is about love. forgiveness. consideration and reconsideration, prayerful thoughtful application. Mr Beck is correct, in that any flashpoint such as this event, generally has hidden players, attempting to create something that serves their agenda. In this case, violent escalation serves many with selfish, dark intent. Thank you! sorry for the long post, and again, I only seek to be honest and share, without judgement, I do not want to offend. thank you.

And I acknowledge X for his thoughtful and tolerant response:

Donald Turner thank you for sharing from your heart, I really appreciate that. I think you have 
discovered something profound about the character and nature of God, even if you do not yet fully comprehend it; it is the very thing that I agree the most with most atheists. That is that the wicked Zeus like judgmental, obey me or burn forever god that most of religion portrays is a phony. The true nature if God is love... That is a real good place to start

Very refreshing! I was sincere and honest, and he responded in kind.

So, here I am. Reconsidering. I had become fairly convinced as of late that mankind and womankind, are just not that evolved, just not capable of a reasonable response to difficult circumstances. I decided the world needs more "punch in the face" accountability. That there are too many lawyers, too many options to avoid accountability, to sue, to hide behind legal definitions of "is". Grrrr

Honestly, I believe in the power of love. Although I don't believe in a god as religions sell it, I believe in Love. I believe in good orderly direction. While we as a species may as of yet be less inclined to follow the underpinnings of love, I do still aspire to it.

So with the Bundy situation, there appears to be hidden motives, selfish interests at play, I don't believe violent provocation will serve us. I believe we can develop and apply, accountability, without regressing back to our most organic response. While I still cling to the idea, that we need more immediate accountability, sometimes a punch in the face, on larger issues, I believe we can overcome, that we can call out change, without resorting to animals.

It is my desire that I must drive home, constantly, continually, reasonable resolutions. Hold those that would have us kill, accountable for their ignorance, their bloodlust, and stay the course for calm, reasonable, solutions. There are so many  "issues" in today's world, many that drive folks to the breaking point. But coming together, to live in communities, in societies, I also must know, I surrender some of the privacies, some of the ability to demand outcomes without compromise. Compromise is the spirit of intention, of community, of society. I must stand on principle when agitated to more baser response. Any voice that attempts to destroy compromise is a call back to the caves, to the plains tribes, fight or die. I can evolve past this state. But I must practice at it, I must look within, I must see myself honestly, and be prepared to calmly challenge those that destroy us.

Expectations are foreplay for Misery

Yep. I create all kinds of pain for myself, on a regular basis. Not "the man", not a puppeteer like god, not anyone or anything. No siree, its my pain, and I'm the creator.

it generally goes like this: I make a small effort to reach out to someone, a email, a voicemail left on unanswered phone calls, etc. Then wait with an expectation of a response. and wait. and wait. grumble.

I lead someone to something that has been profound for me, I share an essay, I write blog posts, I amusingly resort to begging folks to watch this, read that, etc.

Crickets.

In hindsight, maybe misery is too strong a word. I'm not miserable, but, often disappointed.

"Detach with love". Al Anon uses that. Powerful stuff right there. Im responsible for making the effort, for paying attention and doing the right thing, but I just need to let go of outcomes. Certainly a lifelong challenge, a task much more difficult than it seems. Allowing the universe to spin as it will, finding the fear that motivates my desire to control stuff.. I've never ever had the ability to control.

We will love you enough to let you you die. Step over the bodies. Life and the journey of living it, a day at a time, is littered with friends and acquaintances, that have fallen off, down, over. Folks that had equal access, opportunity, just not the missing piece... Desire. So Be It.

One of the reasons in retrospect for my divorce from the woman I love with all my heart 5 or 6 years ago.. was the misery I created for myself... by harbouring expectations. The cap on the toothpaste, the dishes in the sink, the "I give you my all, I only just ask you to allow me to remain indifferent and self absorbed, to play my useless time sink mmos forever, and ignore you.. jeesh!"

When I expect stuff, it usually involves a lot of inferred, but not actually exercised communication, too. Im an expert at that! I had that conversation with you ( in my mind, not actually spoke any words ).. and you agreed! LOL. or not.

What do I want? Practicing expressing what it is that I want. Seems most of the folks crystal balls don't actually work as well as I expected them too!

Today, I will let go of expectations. I will strive to remind myself often, that the dervishes whirl without my input, my crude attempts at control. I will create serenity for myself by detaching with love from outcomes that were never mine to manage. I will allow people places and things to be exactly as they choose to be, and if necessary, maintain boundaries that support my personal happiness and peace of mind.

Namaste

Authoritative Source... or Ego fodder?

My Soul Knows the Truth

Behind every book, artifact, captured wisdom...of every sort, is generally a motive, an opinion, a selling point. Just as almost every action I take, every behaviour exhibit, rant so passionately delivered.. there is underlying belief, or position to sell.

I am naturally skeptical. Even cynical at times; I don't naturally trust, unless of course, there is a desire attached. ( Then, I'm gullible as hell, if the idea, position, gadget etc I'm being sold.. is attractive to me on whatever level. ) But in all other things, I scoff.

The Bible? bah. Quran? ugh The Big book? 12 and 12? meh. you name it.. the fact something is captured does not make it sacroscint to me. I don't believe any book etc to be "divinely written" "inspired" .. no. that is all horse puckey, I think.

So, when folks in their desperate need to justify or substantiate a belief, a passion, a talking point..cite such "reference materials" *cough*, instead of being impressed or sold, I balk.

Everything in moderation. Thats possibly the most powerful thing my beloved Mother ever taught me. Of course I have failed miserably in that caution, but I am aware, I look within more often these days, in my pursuit of happiness, and find where I have failed to moderate something, anything, and how I have created pain for myself, and those that love me, by allowing distortion of that caution.

For all these alleged reference materials.. have been edited by man. repeatedly, over and over. Self interest is always involved, with even the most benevolent, self actualized authors, its impossible to avoid.

The truth for me, in this moment, is all of those, even at their best, still represent one man or woman, or even a collection of same, experience, as they lived it. Anything, including this blog, is for me, and should never be more than, guidance. For this life.. is mine to live, mine to experience and make my own observations about. I can't live other people's experience; I may share similarities, but nothing is exactly the same.

I want to live by the spirit of the guidance, the spirit of the law, the spirit of intention. All too often, I drill down to the definition of "is" ( fuck you lawyers ) and loose the spirit of the intention. The Constitution was beautiful! It proposed a wonderful humanist spirit. Equality, Liberty, Fraternity!  I don't need fake experts to render its intent.. supreme court is a farce, whether fake left or fake right, the language is fairly simple and matter of fact.

AA's literature is the same. The spirit is often overlooked, by drilling into the language, again the definition of "is". I over complicate too many things.

The best guidance for me, is the most simple. Keep it simple, sweetie. For me.. today.. authoritative sources are exposed as Ego fodder.

The quest to develop and understand.. More Humility, a more humble approach, a humble walk through this world, interacting where necessary.. is about, searching out Ego's play, and the elimination of it.

Command and Control

This blog has always been mine. But I had created it with the I_TRUST_MY_GUT pseudonym, attached to an old email address, before Blogspot was acquired by Google.

At the time, I wasn't able to get it properly associated with my Google identity, so its languished in boredom and been ignored. Today, I wrestled through the required hoops, and reclaimed ownership! The original posts, too much a pain to reclaim, shall remain under the old pseudonym.

I shall now, exercise Command and Control of this space!

Plenty of thoughts and experiences to relate, new positions, new or old ideas to share. I will capture on this page, a link to an audio streamed talk I recently gave. Feel free to listen and share, and comment here, should you have thoughts along those lines.

https://soundcloud.com/donald-turner-9/donald-t-3-17-2014-monday

Until I write some more, for now, have a great moment, and choose love