Transparency of Conscience
I had a thought today, maybe sort of a understanding, a glimpse into a truth.
The state of, or measurement of, my spirituality is directly tied to my level of honesty. My spirituality equates to the opacity or transparency of my conscience. When I am free of dishonesty, however fleeting those moments may be, I am transparent, glass-like, my soul is revealed, being clear, unseen in this dimension, on display. In those moments, I am Spiritual; "of spirit", free. Healthy.
I am a practioner of the Twelve Steps. I believe in their efficency, their ability to enable me to cut to the chase of my only true struggle; if allowed undisciplined process, my mind will choose deception first. Deception of "you" and deception of me. I am not pleased about this knowledge, but recognition of this innate tendency is the proverbial first step. Desire for serenity, desperation for freedom from my self imposed exile from humanity, these things motivate containment of that tendency. The steps provide me a tool kit, a set of wrenchs and drivers, to manage this darker aspect of my mind.
Every one of those 12 steps give me an edge over this dishonest nature of mine. They break down old lies, confront the fears as products of lies, as well as prescribe an ongoing methodology to manage future lies, fears, and selfishness. Courage to step back from untruths, face their consquences, and willingness to make right any harms done in their name, I have gained these things, even if only marginally. I am grateful for these pragmatic solutions. In my feeble practice of them, hope has returned, courage has grown, and confidence blossomed; potential has been awakended.
Sitting in a discussion based 12 step meeting today, I was wondering about this constant reference: Spirituality. Spirituality is revered, it's the solution for those agnostics, like me, that have balked at the Marxian opiate of Religion. "no, this isn't a cult or about Religion, this is a Spiritual program." But what is this so called Sprituality? and in later suggestion, I am allowed freedom of involvement with things that may be dangerous to my recovery, If I am secure in my Spiritual Condition. Hmmm... so how do I quantify, or validate, my Spiritual Condition?
I suggest that I may not be alone in this presumption, but despite the frequent reminders that Spirituality is different than Religion, I have for a long time equated my Spiritual condition with a tally of my amount of prayer, my level of practice of worship, the frequency that I speak to God. That for me is a easy cope out. I had become versed in various Religion and it's verbage, enough to quote verse as a way to prove my "being in the know", to repel evangelicals. I had a developed belief that if I used the word God enough in sentences, if I practiced well enough my ability to feign humility, that if I could persuade "you" that I was in actuality religious, then I was successfully and confidently, Spiritual.
Sadly, those machinations aimed at convincing "you" I was, or am presently, "ok!" , fall short of enhancing a valid, healthy Spritual condition, or even worse, their practice impede progress towards that goal. For me, and I truely believe I can only be an expert of my own experience, they are the traps, the easy outs, the old lies that I subconsciously practiced to avoid detection, to stay in the comfort of that abusive, but familair, deceptive mind.
Today I will with renewed vigor, take self inventory, shine the light of truth in the darkest recesses, seek out the ambushes of my deceptive mind. I will persue true spiritual enlightenment through Complete Honesty. I will discipline my mind, redirect deceptive thought trains, challenge myself to stay in the light, to dance in the truth, and be free.
Transparency of conscious, of conscience, of ego. Those will be my goals. I will celebrate clarity of soul, exposed in the sun, for all to see, for then, when I am clear of lies and deceptions, like a pane of Glass, I am in fit Spitiual condition
The state of, or measurement of, my spirituality is directly tied to my level of honesty. My spirituality equates to the opacity or transparency of my conscience. When I am free of dishonesty, however fleeting those moments may be, I am transparent, glass-like, my soul is revealed, being clear, unseen in this dimension, on display. In those moments, I am Spiritual; "of spirit", free. Healthy.
I am a practioner of the Twelve Steps. I believe in their efficency, their ability to enable me to cut to the chase of my only true struggle; if allowed undisciplined process, my mind will choose deception first. Deception of "you" and deception of me. I am not pleased about this knowledge, but recognition of this innate tendency is the proverbial first step. Desire for serenity, desperation for freedom from my self imposed exile from humanity, these things motivate containment of that tendency. The steps provide me a tool kit, a set of wrenchs and drivers, to manage this darker aspect of my mind.
Every one of those 12 steps give me an edge over this dishonest nature of mine. They break down old lies, confront the fears as products of lies, as well as prescribe an ongoing methodology to manage future lies, fears, and selfishness. Courage to step back from untruths, face their consquences, and willingness to make right any harms done in their name, I have gained these things, even if only marginally. I am grateful for these pragmatic solutions. In my feeble practice of them, hope has returned, courage has grown, and confidence blossomed; potential has been awakended.
Sitting in a discussion based 12 step meeting today, I was wondering about this constant reference: Spirituality. Spirituality is revered, it's the solution for those agnostics, like me, that have balked at the Marxian opiate of Religion. "no, this isn't a cult or about Religion, this is a Spiritual program." But what is this so called Sprituality? and in later suggestion, I am allowed freedom of involvement with things that may be dangerous to my recovery, If I am secure in my Spiritual Condition. Hmmm... so how do I quantify, or validate, my Spiritual Condition?
I suggest that I may not be alone in this presumption, but despite the frequent reminders that Spirituality is different than Religion, I have for a long time equated my Spiritual condition with a tally of my amount of prayer, my level of practice of worship, the frequency that I speak to God. That for me is a easy cope out. I had become versed in various Religion and it's verbage, enough to quote verse as a way to prove my "being in the know", to repel evangelicals. I had a developed belief that if I used the word God enough in sentences, if I practiced well enough my ability to feign humility, that if I could persuade "you" that I was in actuality religious, then I was successfully and confidently, Spiritual.
Sadly, those machinations aimed at convincing "you" I was, or am presently, "ok!" , fall short of enhancing a valid, healthy Spritual condition, or even worse, their practice impede progress towards that goal. For me, and I truely believe I can only be an expert of my own experience, they are the traps, the easy outs, the old lies that I subconsciously practiced to avoid detection, to stay in the comfort of that abusive, but familair, deceptive mind.
Today I will with renewed vigor, take self inventory, shine the light of truth in the darkest recesses, seek out the ambushes of my deceptive mind. I will persue true spiritual enlightenment through Complete Honesty. I will discipline my mind, redirect deceptive thought trains, challenge myself to stay in the light, to dance in the truth, and be free.
Transparency of conscious, of conscience, of ego. Those will be my goals. I will celebrate clarity of soul, exposed in the sun, for all to see, for then, when I am clear of lies and deceptions, like a pane of Glass, I am in fit Spitiual condition
posted by Anonymous at 4:29 PM
1 Comments:
Wow, this is great, great writing. I am almost speechless. It touched me that much.
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